Tonight is one of those nights where you lay your head down on your pillow, ready to fall asleep, and everytime your eyelids start to get heavy a wave of panic washes you from head to toe. It's really quite ridiculous because I have nothing to be panicking over...yet again maybe not. I feel like life is in fast forward. The reels are cranking by, yet at the same time I feel stuck in this world of school, friends, parties, reading and cramming my head with knowledge day in and day out. How can life move so fast and yet leave me feeling like I'm not getting anywhere?
Perhaps it is because up until this point in my life I have always been trying to get somewhere, but really have no idea what that "somewhere" entails. What I mean is, my whole life thus far as been reaching landmark after landmark: highschool graduation, college graduation, law school year one, law school year two... Boyfriends have come and gone and I've gone through career choices like they're going out of fashion, yet I keep trodding along, doing, accomplishing, proud nods and warm smiles along the way...I have played the game well.
When does it stop? When do you say, "Ok, I did it. I have arrived and I am happy?" Does that moment ever come or are we just cushioning our lives in order to get closer to that blessed utopia? I am a student and it is the only career I have ever truly known. The thought of not being a student anymore is devastatingly scary, yet I am tired. I have so much to learn and I am sure I will be a student in some form or another for the rest of my life, but how can I go through all of this work and still have no idea what I want? I'm not even sure I feel any closer to that answer than I did a few years ago.
Maybe what I am learning is that you just have to pick something and go with it. I clearly have chosen to be a lawyer, therefore, I will finish law school, clerk in the summers, take the bar, and then become a practicing attorney. It is just one more hurdle to cross, one more thing to accomplish and at minimum I am guaranteed a few more proud nods and warm smiles. But then what? Marriage? Children? Am I then destined to be the cliche career mother endlessly struggling to balance her family and her work? Is that what I am to settle for? The funny thing is I can't even imagine what else there is that I would want instead. Life without marriage seems lonely and I could be missing out on the greatest miracle in the world by choosing not to have children. In the end I guess the question is: what will make me happy? In the end I guess that is the question for all of us. Let me know if you've figured it out. Maybe now that I have written all this silly stuff down I will finally be able to fall asleep. I will try and leave these thoughts here tonight, perhaps my answers will arrive in the morning.
4 comments:
Well on an admittedly drug induced conversation, I discovered the point of life was not to die. That's right we're all just putting off death. Not a very bright outlook, I know, but it resonated with me.
All very good questions, all very warranted. I'm pretty sure that there are very few people that go through life without always having these questions. Here is one way to look at it. What would you do if you weren't reaching for something else. I think of it like this. Sure, you could be happy if one day you woke up and said, I'm done. I've reached my goal, I'm fulfilled. But then what. Each thing that you strive for in life causes you to grow, to discover more of who you are. If you stop reaching, striving, then you stop growing. Sometimes I wish I could just be happy with what I have and stop wanting for something else. But truthfully and personally, I think I would feel a big emptiness if I woke up one day and had nothing else to want for.
These are questions many of us have faced from time to time. I myself have spent the past two years since graduation wondering if my career choice is really right for me. I have learned to be ok with not having all the answers and not knowing what I want...for now. And in that I have been able to try a ton of new things that I never would have thought of and slowly but surely I am learning about myself and what I want. It will come to you. Until then..."Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." (Dory, from Finding Nemo.) I think that it is good to keep on your current path because in doing so you will find the path you want. (Even if it seems like a great waste of time and energy. Everything happens for a reason.) (P.S. Sam told me about your blog so I had to check it out as I am a fan of blogs.)
I'm gonna have to side with jared on this one. Find yourself a ten strip of acid, put on some headphones and go look at the moon, or the sun for that matter. All the answers will come to you shortly. Even some you weren't looking for.
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