"Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself."
Oh! How I love this quote! Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway is probably my favorite book of all time. For those who don't know, above is the first line of the book. See how she draws us in using free, indirect speech? We get into her thoughts through narrative voice. The line is so simple, yet stunning!
But seriously, this post is not meant to be a book review. Instead I am reminded of the beloved Mrs. Dalloway because she loves to throw parties, and so do I. For those who enjoy entertaining, the smiles on people's faces and comraderie of a get together is one of life's greatest satisfactions. Today, I plan a party. In fact, this will not be my best party. I kind of threw it together, but it will be fun and special none the less. I think that if I had my choice, my ultimate choice, I would throw parties for a living. Everybody loves a party and I love to plan them. Yay!
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Danielle the insomniac.
Tonight is one of those nights where you lay your head down on your pillow, ready to fall asleep, and everytime your eyelids start to get heavy a wave of panic washes you from head to toe. It's really quite ridiculous because I have nothing to be panicking over...yet again maybe not. I feel like life is in fast forward. The reels are cranking by, yet at the same time I feel stuck in this world of school, friends, parties, reading and cramming my head with knowledge day in and day out. How can life move so fast and yet leave me feeling like I'm not getting anywhere?
Perhaps it is because up until this point in my life I have always been trying to get somewhere, but really have no idea what that "somewhere" entails. What I mean is, my whole life thus far as been reaching landmark after landmark: highschool graduation, college graduation, law school year one, law school year two... Boyfriends have come and gone and I've gone through career choices like they're going out of fashion, yet I keep trodding along, doing, accomplishing, proud nods and warm smiles along the way...I have played the game well.
When does it stop? When do you say, "Ok, I did it. I have arrived and I am happy?" Does that moment ever come or are we just cushioning our lives in order to get closer to that blessed utopia? I am a student and it is the only career I have ever truly known. The thought of not being a student anymore is devastatingly scary, yet I am tired. I have so much to learn and I am sure I will be a student in some form or another for the rest of my life, but how can I go through all of this work and still have no idea what I want? I'm not even sure I feel any closer to that answer than I did a few years ago.
Maybe what I am learning is that you just have to pick something and go with it. I clearly have chosen to be a lawyer, therefore, I will finish law school, clerk in the summers, take the bar, and then become a practicing attorney. It is just one more hurdle to cross, one more thing to accomplish and at minimum I am guaranteed a few more proud nods and warm smiles. But then what? Marriage? Children? Am I then destined to be the cliche career mother endlessly struggling to balance her family and her work? Is that what I am to settle for? The funny thing is I can't even imagine what else there is that I would want instead. Life without marriage seems lonely and I could be missing out on the greatest miracle in the world by choosing not to have children. In the end I guess the question is: what will make me happy? In the end I guess that is the question for all of us. Let me know if you've figured it out. Maybe now that I have written all this silly stuff down I will finally be able to fall asleep. I will try and leave these thoughts here tonight, perhaps my answers will arrive in the morning.
Perhaps it is because up until this point in my life I have always been trying to get somewhere, but really have no idea what that "somewhere" entails. What I mean is, my whole life thus far as been reaching landmark after landmark: highschool graduation, college graduation, law school year one, law school year two... Boyfriends have come and gone and I've gone through career choices like they're going out of fashion, yet I keep trodding along, doing, accomplishing, proud nods and warm smiles along the way...I have played the game well.
When does it stop? When do you say, "Ok, I did it. I have arrived and I am happy?" Does that moment ever come or are we just cushioning our lives in order to get closer to that blessed utopia? I am a student and it is the only career I have ever truly known. The thought of not being a student anymore is devastatingly scary, yet I am tired. I have so much to learn and I am sure I will be a student in some form or another for the rest of my life, but how can I go through all of this work and still have no idea what I want? I'm not even sure I feel any closer to that answer than I did a few years ago.
Maybe what I am learning is that you just have to pick something and go with it. I clearly have chosen to be a lawyer, therefore, I will finish law school, clerk in the summers, take the bar, and then become a practicing attorney. It is just one more hurdle to cross, one more thing to accomplish and at minimum I am guaranteed a few more proud nods and warm smiles. But then what? Marriage? Children? Am I then destined to be the cliche career mother endlessly struggling to balance her family and her work? Is that what I am to settle for? The funny thing is I can't even imagine what else there is that I would want instead. Life without marriage seems lonely and I could be missing out on the greatest miracle in the world by choosing not to have children. In the end I guess the question is: what will make me happy? In the end I guess that is the question for all of us. Let me know if you've figured it out. Maybe now that I have written all this silly stuff down I will finally be able to fall asleep. I will try and leave these thoughts here tonight, perhaps my answers will arrive in the morning.
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